Amusing Quotes & Jokes

[Larry The Pickle]

That's great.

Gotta love Chinese, Chandler.

50 fun things to do in an elevator!

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you, just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, stupid motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger... then ask them if they like the pictures.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Bring a blaring boom box along with you and start dancing wildly (extra fun when the elevator is packed).
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

I will do some of these sometime when I am far away from home where nobody knows me!

[qoute="Trent DeWhit"]
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?[/qoute]

[AIO Psyche]

Here are my favs. I laugh uncontrolably when I read these!



Ways to have fun

* Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
* Drum on every available surface.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
* Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
* Resend humorous e-mail messages to the person who sends them to you.
* Leave all headers and footnotes on forwarded jokes.



Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate


10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't
belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor
on the empty side of the room with concern.

8 ) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every
day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the
room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at
the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for
you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't
remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I
remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several
weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore
the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then
say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly
that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're
back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five
minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying,
''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to
clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."


In an elevator:

when the door closes, grab the nearest person and yell, "ITS OK! THEY WILL OPEN AGAIN!"

make a beeping noise every 3 seconds...don't move

open purse and whisper, "Got enough air?"

wisper to the nearest person, "I've got gas" and giggle.

push every button on the way down.

As above, make a loud WOOSHHH when the door opens


In a bathroom:

Drop a marble on the floor, make shure it rolls into the next stall and yell, "MY EYE!! MY GLASS EYE FELL OUT!"






Drive up to a Mc.Donalds and say to the person at the drive through window and order a Whopper. start complaining that you had your heart set on a whopper then threaten to call their boss. then say ..........this is BURGERKING RIGHT??

(beforehand put your sunglasses on top of your head) In sist that sombody stole your sunglasses that were right next to you they were worht alot of money. if somebody tells you they were on there head say NO i never put them there!! Yell at them. Then go to the bathroom/a nother room. put them on and when they say i told you so. Deny everything even that you werre missing the sunglasses.

Set your alarm clock on the loudest ring @ 12 midnight and claim to your room mate who yells at you.....What? i got a bladder problem thats why i switched our beds............lol

Go to the library and ask the libriarian for some books on how to cure your pet naked mole rats fungus on its nose. when she says she dosent have a book like that say i said i was looking for a book on dog training. What were you thinking ofhuhhuh

Call your parents @ 330 a.m and start singing happy birth day to yourself on the answering machine ........dont disguise your voice (also not on your birthday either)

Go to a petstore and start saying loudly to the animals ...for instance a frog- "If i give you a wittle smoochie will you turn into a wittle princie for me?" say it in a babyish voice. cat-start singing the meowmix song very loudly in its face. dog- "they say a dog is a mans best friend but man in china they surly dont think that they EAT dogs"....... then start saying a recipe for corndogs out loud. Include the hotdog and corn meal" then say oh what are hot dogs made out of any wayhuh go to the owner of the store and ask her if hotdogs are made out of dogs.





Call up people and leave cryptic messages on their answering machine. "The marshmallows are in the kitty box with string."

Make a poster and put it up on a wall: "LOST ANTEATER. Name: Chippers Height: 9". Brown with a white spot on his tail. Reward: $200,000."
Do not leave any way for them to contact the owner.

Say to someone that isn't talking, "Dude, be quiet!" If they say they didn't say anything, then say, "Really? . . . gosh... that's weird...I could've sworn I heard something. . . . . . <look at your watch> Well, it looks like about time to take my medicine!"



# Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.
# Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
# If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking
to others.
# Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
# Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."
# Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
# Practice making fax and modem noises.
# Highlight irrelevant information on scientific papers and "cc" them to your
boss.
# Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
# Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

# Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

# Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.
# Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
# Adjust the tint on your TV so all the people are green, and insist to others
that you "like it that way."
# Staple papers in the middle of the page.
# Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
# Honk and wave to strangers.
# Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.
# Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re- route whole streets.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
# Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin.
# When nearly done, announce, "No wait, I messed it up" and repeat.
# As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
# Ask people what gender they are.
# While making a presentation, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

# Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars and see if they
slow down.
# Sing along at the opera.
# Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
# Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in
a notebook.
# Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

[J-man]

A family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a brand new house in a development nearby.

Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old son ran in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up.

The mother dressed him and told him to play in the yard.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"
______________________________________
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
_____________________________________
A Translation of Atlanta for Visitors

1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..."

3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end.

4. Atlanta is home of Coca Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for any other soft drink.

5. Atlantans only know their way home and their way to work.

6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.

7. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".

8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

9. Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody.

10. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.

11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey".

12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

13. The falling of one rain drop causes all traffic to immediately cease; so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.

14. If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

15. Atlanta is pronounced "Lan-uh".

16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.

17. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour. (Ed. note: This appears to be a common theme in almost any major American city).

18. Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.

19. Atlantans are very proud of their race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.

20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA400, because the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus.
____________________________________
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

[J-man]

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
________________________________________________
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You won't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables."
_____________________________________________
Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitched whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
___________________________________________________
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir,' said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."

He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"
________________________________________________________

[Trent DeWhite]

No double-posting, Jman.

------

Kids on the Old and New Testaments

This comes from an elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!

-In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
-Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
-Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
-The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.
-Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.
-Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
-The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
-The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
-Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
-The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
-David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
-Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
-When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.
-When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.
-Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
-Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
-It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
-The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles.
-One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
-St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
-Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

------

Punny Biblical Q+A's

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A: Ruth-less.

Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A: Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A: Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson; he brought the house down.

Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A: In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were really put out.

Q: What is one of the first thing that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A: They really raised Cain.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q: How long did Cain hate his brother?
A: As long as he was Abel!

Q: What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?
A: So long Fellers!

Q: The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used floodlights.

Q: After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
A: 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.

Q: Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A: When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

Q: Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A: When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A: The thought had never entered his head before?

Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A: No, he already fell for it once.

Q: Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine for the sake of his stomach?
A: Because it was Paul's bottle.

Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.

Q: Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A: Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.

Q: Why shouldn't Christians watch TV?
A: At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to no one."

Q: Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
A: Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.

Q: How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A: Because Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q: Will there be dogs in the new system?
A: No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.

Q: Who was the straightest man in the bible?
A: Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.

Q: Which Christian magazine did the apostle Paul command to never throw away?
A: Ephesians 5:18 says to "keep Awake"

[crosskritters]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.



The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the

Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.


The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop

takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio

and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.


"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger"
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger"
Chief: "Senator?"
Cop: "Bigger"
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's Jesus!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?"!
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"


More laughter to come.

--Kat

p. s. This was sent to me before Pope John Paul died.

[J-man]

[quote="Trent DeWhite"]No double-posting, Jman.
I didn't realize I had..
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having problems. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
___________________________________
A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it's surprising there aren't more mistakes.

When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version. Here just a few samples:

1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at poop shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

4.From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."

5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.

6. In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.

9. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.

13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

14. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

15. In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

16. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

[Catspaw]

Discipline
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Why Indeed

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know
the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a
dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

[Ruthie]

Discipline
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Why Indeed

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know
the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a
dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

That was great!

[Ruthie]

Read these:


If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains
for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to
a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell
you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make
sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks
his head out of the window?
-----
Universal Truths
-----
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green potato chips.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy
ball.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to
call your teacher mom or dad.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at the first given opportunity.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.


There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when
you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has
had their arm broken by a swan.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and
stepping on an upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Bricks are horrible to carry.

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad

------

Those always make me laugh! Well, almost anything can make me laugh......

[Catspaw]

My Mother Taught Me...

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you!
Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7 My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8 My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

12. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

When You Care Enough...

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted
to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card;
it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he
had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist said.

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location".

Some Things Can't Be Helped

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

[J-man]

Lol, all of those are quite good!
______________________
Generic movie disaster script
(The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having
breakfast with her adorable son.)

HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day! No sign of any disasters!
SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?
HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive.

(The phone rings.)

HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to
tell me about an impending disaster!
LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending!
HEROINE : I'll be right there! (To her son:) Bobby, you stay here and
be vulnerable.
SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and
placing me in grave danger?
HEROINE : Of course!

(We see an exterior shot of the White House. Inside, the president,
looking grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.)

PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?
VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies.
PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot.
SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster
is going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars flying in all
directions.
PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes! Why so long?
SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense.
GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston!
PRESIDENT : Why?
GENERAL : I hate Houston.
PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-looking.
I want you to take your minority sidekick and get over to the
laboratory immediately and develop a romance interest with the
heroine.
HERO : I'll do what I can, sir.

(The next scene is in the laboratory. The hero and heroine are staring
intently at a computer screen.)

HEROINE : . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the
three of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.

(A lab worker rushes up.)

LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading
in the cosine range!
HERO : What does that mean?
HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish. But it's time for the
disaster! And my son is home alone!

(The scene shifts to the heroine's neighbourhood. People are screaming;
miniature cars are flying everywhere.)

HEROINE : This is terrible! Thousands of people are being killed!
HERO : It's OK! They're extras!
SON : Help! Help!
HEROINE : My God! It's Billy!
SON : No, it's Bobby!
HEROINE : Oh, right.
HERO : I'll save him!
HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects!

(The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)

HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit!
SON : With Val Kilmer? I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise.
HERO : He wasn't available.

(The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is
relieved.)

PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main
characters survived except the minority sidekick!

(The Cabinet applauds.)

GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston?
PRESIDENT: OK by me.

(THE END)
____________________________
Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?

Optimist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Futurist:
The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.

Pascal programmers:
Well, what type of milk is it?

C Programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

MIS Analyst:
I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

Prolog programmers:
I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.

Non-procedural language programmers:
I drank it when nobody was looking.

Pentium users:
I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.

Windows users:
Where's my straw?

Mac users:
Where's my pump?

UNIX users:
Nahh . . . too easy.

Multimedia author:


Shareware game author:
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

Security consultant:
Where'd the rest of the milk go?

CIA:
What makes you think that's milk?

NSA:
We know what it really is.

Copy protection crazies:
Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

Free Software Foundation:
That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

Bill Gates:
Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

IBM:
Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is
good for you.

IRS:
Thanks for getting your milk witholding correct this year.

[Trent DeWhite]

[Catspaw]

Y2K Solved

**Important Notice to All Employees**

Corporate has determined that there is no longer any need for network
or software applications support. (See below)

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. Here are
the main advantages:

1. No Y2K problems

2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Thank you.


Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Very Taxing

A little boy wanted $100, badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:

Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that
for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as
usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Super Bowl

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral.

[JesusFreak777]

[quote="Trent DeWhite"]- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
quote]

Why do they call it a black box when it is bright orange?

[JesusFreak777]

Heh-heh..

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
____________________________________
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands
to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee
with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
_________________________________________

Welcome to my world in the coffee capitol of the world.

[Chandler]

GENTLE REPROOF examples
What a teacher says and what he/she really means.
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all quarter.
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

[Andrea Meltsner]

Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Quite amusing.

[Catspaw]

I love this thread!

Recommendations

The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:-

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

* Project Leader

-------------------------------------------------------------------
A FOLLOW- UP MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER (as follows):

...That idiot (Bob) was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report I sent to you earlier today. Kindly read ONLY the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards.
ME

Philosowhat

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion
about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to
reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor
granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?"
Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

(...The student received an "A" in the class.)

New Pastor In Town

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

The Stock Market

Today in the stock market:

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

[Trent DeWhite]

New Pastor In Town

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

:: ribs ache from sheer amusement ::

But I posted that one earlier.

Caught Speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Clever Professor

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

Life does teach some lessons the hard way.