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 Post Post subject: Amusing Quotes & Jokes
Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2005 7:06 am 
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Funny quotes! Anything from the past, present, or something you made up . . . sometimes the best things can come from a younger child or sibling. They say some of the funniest things at times. :D Perhaps you'd like to share an amusing quote from an anyonymous author, like some of the following:

"An army of sheep led by a lion will defeat an army of lions led by a sheep."

"History repeats itself because nobody listens."

Famous people quotes:

"In the real world, the right thing never happens in the right place and the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to make it appear that it has." --Mark Twain

"It is better to remain silent and be considered a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." --Abraham Lincoln (see Ecclesiastes 10:3)

:lol:

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Last edited by Trent DeWhite on Wed Apr 13, 2005 12:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2005 1:07 pm 
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Winston Churchill was at a party, and was a little soused. A woman came up to him and said "Sir, you are drunk. You are very very drunk." To which he replied "Madam, you are ugly. You are very very ugly, and in the morning, I shall be sober".

Ok, that's not very nice, but I still thought it was funny.

-Jonathan


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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2005 10:49 pm 
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Interesting, Jonathan. :-s

The following are a few student bloopers caught by their teachers. Hehe.

"Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada."

"Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines."

"The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
moth."

"Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline."

"In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java."

"Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long."

"Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them."

"Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw."

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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 12:05 am 




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Trent DeWhite wrote:
"Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them."

Good one. :lol:

"My feet itch."
Not an impressive statement by itself but this one has been passed down through the generations ever since my brother said it to my mom as an excuse for why he couldn't pick up his toys when she told him to. =D>


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Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 5:43 pm 
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Bumper Stickers:

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Stupidity isn't a crime, so you're free to go.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Dyslexics of the world untie!
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Save a Tree, eat a beaver.
Save the animals, eat a vegetarian.

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Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 11:09 pm 
The Council is GREAT!
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figuring everything out - YAY

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lets see if I can get this right
beware ofdragons dor you are crunchy and taste good with ketsup


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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:24 am 
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:-s

It appears I missed the humor in that one, JesusFreak. 8-[

-----

Man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
Man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: It is but a second.
Mman: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.

A young girl once confessed to her priest that she thought she was guilty of the sin of pride. She said, "When I look in the mirror, I think I am beautiful." The priest said, "That's not a sin, that's a mistake."
-Rev. James Whitcomb Brougher, Sr.

Some people say, "I go to church, so I am a Christian." But that's like saying if you go to McDonald's you are a Quarter Pounder
-Adam Christing

Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do!" Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned. "But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory." Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM."

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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 12:10 pm 
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An old wealthy man was on his deathbed. He knew his time had come, and pleaded with the Lord "Lord, I know I cannot bring anything with me, but I ask to just bring my money". The Lord replied "You are right, you can't bring that with you." The man made several more pleas with God, with the same response. Finally, the man asked "Lord, just one bag of gold, I beg you." There was a pause, after which God replied "Ok, just one bag of gold." The old man then died. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was surprised when he saw the man with his bag. He took the bag, looked inside, then looked up and asked

"Lord, why did he bring pavement?"


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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 12:25 pm 
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That's awesome, Jon. :D

Here's one I heard from a pastor once:

There once was an Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fainted to the floor. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed,
Your eternally loving husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here."

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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 3:21 pm 
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Trent DeWhite wrote:
ssimilated.
Save a Tree, eat a beaver.


Lol! I love it!

If you can't be part of the solution, there's great money to be made in prolonging the problem.

All your base are belong to us.

Anything off a shirt from thinkgeek.com

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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 3:48 pm 




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:lol: Haha, these are some good ones!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.


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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 3:51 pm 
I'm as fancy as Penguin!
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:39 pm 
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Letters to God from Kids . . .

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey

Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD: In Sunday school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? -Jan

Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joann

:lol:

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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 11:53 pm 




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:lol: Those are cute.

I love this one about the life of a sailor... I don't get all of them but some others are just too funny. :D

How to live like a sailor
~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
~ Repaint your entire house every month.
~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
~ On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
~ Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you.
~ Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.
~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
~ Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
~ Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
~ Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
~ Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
~ Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
~ When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
~ Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.


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Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 12:00 am 
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That was good! Highly amusing.

Code so clean you can eat off it.
If we can't fix it, it isn't broken.
Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix.
I think therefore I create bugs.
Debug is human, de-fix divine.
There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him.
The Bugs Of Wrath
There are 2 ways to write bug-free code; only the 3rd way works.
Final message received from the Titanic: Fatal crash due to icebug.
Bugs Bunny was an optimist.
One small bug for man, one great program for mankind.
The bug is mightier than the fix.
Man does not live by bug fixes alone.
For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered.
The bug stops here.
I have just begun to debug.
Bugs bugs everywhere, and not a fix in sight.
A feature is a bug with seniority.
Human knowledge belongs to the world.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Debuggers have been made by bug-creators.

Just a little programmer humor I found in some readme file.

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Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 1:54 am 




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I stumbled across this one time when I was researching art online. It was so cute that I had to save a copy of it. :)


USA lawyers section (NOT part of the legal agreement)

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. This can contains a head-enhancing device; do not shake vigorously. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Don't try this in your living room; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Nap was here. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Ceci n'est pas une pipe. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Don't even think about parking here. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Do not put the base of this ladder on frozen manure. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free number before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous notices.


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Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 6:35 am 
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Wow. :-s

Gotta love Church bulletin and service bloopers. :D

-----

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's use the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

"A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."
(BibleNet)

:hilarious:

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Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 7:20 am 
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*convulses**hysterics* :rofl2: :hilarious: :lol:
Amusing Jokes nothing! =D>

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Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:50 am 
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Lightbulb Jokes!

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. Atheists don't believe in light bulbs.
A2: One. But they are still in darkness.

Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (with dour expression) Change??

Q: How many members of the church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5. One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!

Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
A2. One, and thirty natives to see the light.

Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!

Q. How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Does the light bulbs really exist?

Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.

:lol:

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Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:54 am 
The Council must persist
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I do the church bulletin for my church, and there always has to be some humor in them, church isn't borning!

Here we go:

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


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I never used this one though...

Christian Pick-up Lines

1 ) Nice bible.

2 ) I would like to pray with you.

3 ) You know Jesus? Me too.

4 ) God told me to come talk to you.

5 ) I know a church where we could go and talk.

6 ) How about a hug, sister?

7 ) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

8 ) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.

10 ) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11 ) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

12 ) I am here for you.

13 ) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," how about dinner?

14 ) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.

15 ) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?

16 ) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17 ) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18 ) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do."

19 ) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20 ) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

21 ) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.

22 ) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.

23 ) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.


_____________________________________

This one is WONDERFUL!

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin
of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


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