DIGITAL FISH
Perhaps it was the spring feeling of newness and rejuvenation in the air that prompted Dad to purchase the DVD player. We figured it was most likely because our record player was playing his recordings with more skips than a jump rope convention. Only a few days before Dad had said, “I was noticing in the stores that for the same price as a new CD player, you can buy a DVD player that can play both DVDs and CDs.”
This was a good sign. Dad was never one to pass up a two-for-one offer.
He bought the player a few days later.
“Let’s test it out,” I said.
“Ok,” Dad said. He put a CD of Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos into the player. The Classical music drifted out of the living-room speakers.
“Oh good,” Dad said. “It works.”
I noticed Dad’s qualifications for a working DVD were a little different from ours.
The next morning I told Dad to pick up a DVD movie on his way back from work and spent the rest of the day in eager anticipation. What sort of DVD would Dad get? Hopefully he would pick a new release full of high tech special effects and sound to show off DVD technology at its best. Knowing Dad, though, it would probably be some classic epic such as “The Ten Commandments” or “Ben Hur”.
Meanwhile, Dad was standing at the counter of the video store with his freshly-picked DVD in hand.
“Hi,” he said to the girl. He placed the DVD on the desk, smiley-face $1.00-rental sticker, facing up. “I just got a DVD player so I thought I’d try it out.”
“Oh,” the girl said, placing the DVD in its rental case while Dad counted out his quarters and dimes. She handed it back to Dad.
“Have you seen this one,” he asked.
“Uh…no, I don’t think I have,” the girl said, shaking her head lightly.
“Did you get a DVD?” I asked as soon as soon Dad came home.
“Yep,” he said handing me the case.
I looked at the disk inside. It was titled Experience the Deep.
“Um…what is this?”
“I think it’s like an IMAX or something,” Dad said.
“Oh”. I had been looking forward to watching an actual movie. This was a bitter blow but I tried not to show my disappointment.
I inserted the DVD into the player. The opening menu swam onto the screen—literally.
“How do we make the movie start?” asked Dad. I handed him the player’s remote control.
“How do you use this thing?” he said.
Five minutes later, after Dad had managed to shut the player on and off several times and turn on Spanish titles, I finally started the Feature Presentation.
The movie opened with a shot of a coral reef set to synthesized music and bubbly sound effects. Watery shadows rippled over white sand. Anemones undulated and waved as clown fish swam in and out of their tentacles.
We peered at the television screen, waiting for the show to actually start. The shot of the anemones dissolved to a scene set in what appeared to be a different part of the reef. Several damsel fish seemed to be playing a game of hide and seek amongst the coral. Five scenes of the reef later, we still couldn’t find any point to the video. There wasn’t even the smooth voice of a narrator explaining the life-cycle of the blue-lined snapper.
Finally my younger brother stated what dad and I couldn’t bring ourselves to admit.
“This is just a bunch of fish,” he said.
He was right. Dad’s DVD was nothing more than scene after scene of coral fish and cheesy music. I began to think that we could have done better if we’d sawed off the top of the TV and filled it with water.
“But it said on the case something about the stunning digital quality,” was dad’s excuse later when we asked him what possible reason drove him to pick this embarrassment to entertainment.
“They made it sound so interesting. No wonder the girl at the counter said she hadn’t seen it.”
“Why didn’t you get a good movie?” my brother said.
Dad was in trouble now. He knew that unless he found something of redeeming value on the dreadful DVD we would never let him live this event down. I felt partially responsible since I told Dad that he had to get a DVD in the first place. There had to be a way to come to Dad’s rescue. I fast-forwarded through the movie. It was all just fish.
Dad had chosen the most pointless DVD ever made. DVDs were supposed to be exciting, high quality movies with loads of special features.
I suddenly grabbed the remote control. Of course! Special Features. Why didn’t I think of it before?
My brother was just walking out of the room. I called him back and loaded up the main menu. Sure enough, Special Features was on the list. We all held our breath as I loaded them up.
A screen appeared showing several bubbles on a blue background. In the center of each bubble were some words. Dad, my brother and I leaned in closer to read them.
Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales!
What fish can be adjusted to play music?
The tune-a-fish!
“These are fish jokes!” my brother said.
There was nothing more I could do for Dad. These jokes were the final trout that broke the fishing tackle. I got up and left the room, leaving Dad staring sadly at the television.
Why did the trout cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide!
I hope I don't sound critical, because that wasn't my intention at all. I just see that this has the potential to be the quality of something written by a veteran humor author, and I really want that for you.
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