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 Post Post subject: Stream of Conciousness Writing
Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 12:14 pm 
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Well, as some of you know, one of my many hobbies are writing. I enjoy writing what I like to call my "stream of conciousness." I write these frequently, sometimes post them in my blog. I'd like to get your opinions/constructive criticism on some of them, they're quite long, so I'll separate them with lines.

Thanks in advance!

-Trill

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Faith, Discipline, Vision, Spirit, Goals, Destiny, Sacrifice, all words I’ve been reading a lot about lately. I’ve been very inspired to know what I want to be, what I want to do with my life, and who I want to walk my journey with. Earlier, I read a letter that was written to a pastor by a very ill man, a few days before the pastor was to preach on heaven.



“Dear Pastor,

Next Sunday you are to talk about Heaven, I am interested in that land, because I have held a clear title to a bit of property there for over fifty-five years. I did not buy it. It was given to me without any money and without price. But the Donor purchased it for me at a tremendous sacrifice. It is not a vacant lot. For more than half a century I have been sending materials out of which the greatest Architect and Builder of the Universe has been building a come for me which will never need to be remodeled nor repaired because it will suit me perfectly, individually, and will never grow old . Termites can never undermine its foundations, for they rest on the Rock of Ages. Fire cannot destroy it. Floods cannot wash it away. No locks nor bolts will ever be placed upon its doors, for no vicious person can ever enter that land where my dwelling stands, now almost completed and almost ready for me to enter in and abide in the peace eternally, without fear of being ejected.



I hope to hear your sermon on Heaven next Sunday from my home in Los Angeles, California, but I have no assurance that I shall be able to do so. My ticket to Heaven has no date marked for the journey --- no return coupon --- and no permit for baggage, Yes, I am all ready to go and I may not be here while you are talking next Sunday evening, but I shall meet you there some day.” (Taken from Total Health by Susan Boe.)



This letter reached me in a way I cannot explain, nor completely comprehend. This man had such a peace and wisdom about him, and I can only hope and pray for that kind of insight. But, I’m not there yet, the divinity of heaven isn’t why I’m writing this. Actually, I don’t quite know yet why I’m writing this, I guess I will when I’m done.



I can’t withhold the joy I feel inside right now, I feel like if I move that I’ll blind everyone with God’s sunrays. Like they’re caught up inside of me, just waiting for me to make a move. A smile, or a hug, just anything to display God’s greatness. I’ve been trying to figure out some way to explain it, I’m probably not doing a very good job. But, have you ever been so excited about something, that you thought you would die before it arrived? A birthday or a visit from a relative? Well, multiply that excitement by about ten billion and maybe you can begin to comprehend the joy and inner peace I feel.



This excerpt from a song I heard recently is a good description of the feeling, the wonderful feeling that God has selected you, to be his child. He has chosen you, to be his representation of the kingdom of heaven on earth. The tranquility and desire to be near him.



“Lazy summer afternoon
Screened in porch and nothin' to do
I just kicked off my tennis shoes
Slouchin' in a plastic chair
Rakin' my fingers through my hair
I close my eyes and I leave them there
And I yawn, and sigh, and slowly fade away

Deep enough to dream in brilliant colors
I have never seen
Deep enough to join a billion people
For a wedding feast
Deep enough to reach out and touch
The face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up?

Do I ever have to wake up
Do I ever have to wake up
Do I really have to wake up now?”

I love the line that says “Deep enough to dream in brilliant colors I have never seen.” Because I have frequently wondered if there were more colors, colors we could never imagine! Beautiful rainbows of colors, colors to represent faith, peace, joy, obedience, and the other things that please God. Someday I want to be able to paint with these colors, if they really exist. I want to be able to dance in the presence of the lord, and paint with millions of brilliant colors. Paint the Father, and the family that I will join for eternity. But for now, I want to spread this feeling to the world, is that possible? I don’t know…but I’m going to try. I’m going to try through my music, and my art, and if that doesn’t work, I’ll write poems, or dance, or anything! I just want my friends, and family, and strangers to be excited, to feel this deep sense that there is a purpose to life, and if you keep your eyes on the goal, that with Christ as a guide, you can accomplish anything!

It hurts me deeply to read about people who feel so worthless, who lack the hope, and faith that they need to keep them going. To feel that desperate to turn to crime, drugs, alcohol, or even take their own life. There’s nothing I can do about the people who already have. But I can live a life of Christ, display my joy outwardly, and show people exactly what it feels like to be one of God’s children. Maybe I’ll walk my journey alone, or maybe there will be others in the worlds that help me, but either way I’ll always have the Lord to walk by my side. Moreover, he never gets weary, he never sleeps, and he’s always there! That’s very comforting, because I certainly know I get weary, and I need sleep, (and sometimes coffee, when I don’t get the sleep I need…) and I’m not always there when I’m supposed to be. I’m not always dependable, or responsible. It’s a good thing I’m forgiven for all of that too! So, what’s my point? Why am I rambling on and on, about my purpose? How is this supposed to be productive? I’m not sure. I’m sitting here at my computer, not really knowing where all of this is coming from. It’s just, there. I’m not sure if there’s a reason I’m writing this or not, if not, it’ll be something for me to look back on when I get discouraged. Maybe that’s the reason, maybe not.



As I sit here in my nightclothes, my hair falls in my face, and an almost empty coffee cup sits on the desk in front of me. I listen to the music pouring through the quiet of the house. The morning sun glows in the window and shines on my face, and the only then I can conclude, is that today, is going to be a good day!



But as a closing line, I would like to leave you with a few parting words. I know that I probably won’t meet most of my brothers and sisters in Christ in this earthly life. But I hope to meet all of you someday, in a place much better than this. I can’t worry about the future, because there’s nothing I can do about it, except live the life that God has ordained. I would like to ask you all to do something to show Christ’s love today, and I know this is going to sound cliché and sappy, and I’m sure you’ve heard about enough by now. Especially if you’ve continued this far. So I just want to say, enjoy the sunshine, enjoy the rain, enjoy the peace, and enjoy today.


_____________________________________________________________

"As I sit here alone, I can hear the sound of coffee making, the clanging of ice, cups and blenders in the coffee shop. I take a deep breath, close my eyes gently, and smell the unforgettable aroma of new books mingling with the smell of fresh, hot coffee. Out the window in front of me I observe the people passing by and try to quickly sketch them before they dash out of view. So many different people, old, young, sullen, extatic. They all walk over the wet pavement of the sidewalk with the storm clouds in the distance behind them. All of the faces contrast differently agains the same backdrop. My favorite bracelets jingle softly as my hand moves clumsily across my notebook paper. I look up anxiously now and then, to brush wisps of hair away from my tired blue eyes. A dim reflection of myself can be depicted in the window pane, me in my oversized tie-dye t-shirt, tied up at the bottom with an old scrunchie, sleeves rolled up out of my way. All technology and noise falls awayas I sit here, all that remains is the questions I ponder to myself. A chill sweeps gracefully over me as someone opens a nearby door. I can see the coulds moving slothfully through the evening sky. A quick glance to my shiny new silver watch, and return my gaze to the paper. Groups of peers pass by the window, in pairs, threesomes, and larger groups. At first I long for friends, my friends, but part of me feels like I've betrayed them by going away. Then I retract that thought, I know that's not really what I'm upset about. No, I don't really long for friends, at least not in the form of my peers. I desire involvement in something I can call my own, a purpose. As Greg drives up I know it's time to leave my inner sanctuary and return to the chaos or everyday life. I must go for now, but I will return. Adieu.
_____________________________________________________________

Sometimes, I just wish there were someone, out there somewhere that could understand. I have people that understand my problems, because problems are universal, but why can no one understand my joys? Not just the things that make me happy, but also the things that make me joyful. Why does everyone have to take life so seriously all the time?

Like earlier today, it was sunny and beautiful, and then it began to rain, a beautiful summer rain. Many people look at rain as "weather" just a monotonous thing that happens, and makes people gloomy.
Yes, after a while, rain does get to be an awful pain but a day of rain or even two days, can be simply wonderful. Standing in the middle of the pouring rain, looking up at the clouds swirling calmly and the trees blowing it's so...calming and yet, exciting. If you look at the rain long enough, and in the correct fashion, you can see things you've never seen before! Like the way the birds huddle up together during a rainstorm or the way you can see tiny rainbows in every drop that lands on a leaf. I love the way thunder rolls across you, and you can't ever tell exactly where it's coming from, or exactly where it's going. The smell, of a fresh wonderful rain, is exhilarating and then, it gets done raining, and you can see the drops of water on the edge of the house glittering in the light as the sun emerges, the grass is so soft after it rains

I mean, why don’t people appreciate getting ice cream on your nose? Or pouring ice down someone’s back, or…sitting and looking at the stars? No one can see it the way I do. Yes, people look at stars, and they say “wow those are beautiful.” and there’s some people who see stars scientifically and say “that star’s brightness has varied this much over the past two months.” And then you have people who take it at “face-value beauty) they see the stars glittering and take it for what it is. But, if you take the time, you can see so much more…nobody understands that.

People can’t just, enjoy flinging paint at each other, without worrying about their clothes, or their walls, or the carpet, or the grass. Or, sitting upside down, and just, laughing. Why doesn’t anyone understand how much fun it is just to enjoy whoever you’re with, and find ways to enjoy wherever you are. You know, a few people (Grandparents and such…) have called me “sunshine” or said that I’m “different” because I’m always happy. I’m not always happy, I’m just very joyful. And I’m not any different than the rest of the world, the rest of the world just doesn’t know how to appreciate the little joys. I can take pleasure in someone’s voice, or a hug, or getting powdered sugar all over your fingers from eating doughnuts. Most people just brush these things off as “normal” but they aren’t normal. They’re spectacular. I’m the kind of person that can lose myself in a song, and not find my way out for hours, even if I’m doing other things and living my life, and no one knows, I’m still thinking about this particular part of this particular song. I just wonder how many people do appreciate life like this and subdue it for fear of being “weird.” Children are like this, because of their innocence, they can take joy in jumping in puddles, because they have no place urgent to go, and don’t really care if they get muddy. Did you know you don’t have to lose that joy? Really, you don’t. And you can grow up, and face the challenges of teenage life, and working, and school, and watching kids, and making dinner, and still look at things with the unique happiness that is usually only found in children. No, it’s not going to be the same as when you were five, everyone has responsibilities, and you can’t just dismiss that. But, joy grows with you if you let it. Most people just don’t care to let it, they become sullen, overly stressed teenagers, who grow into even more sullen overly stressed adults. You can share a dance in the rain with a five year old, and they just giggle and laugh and smile like they’ve never seen rain before, like it’s something completely new and wonderful. But then, you tell a teenager about rain, and they roll their eyes and say it’s a bother. I’m not saying you have to be like I five year old, I’m really not. I mean, seriously, most of you know the responsibility I have and all of the things I do, you just have to learn how to take it in stride. And, even if you’ve lost that joy, I assure you it’s not impossible to get back, if it’s worth it to you.

Well, I’ve rambled long enough, I guess I’m just, tired of everyone my age being so serious, there always has to be a problem, or some kind of drama. It saddens me, and makes me wish there were someone out there that could just enjoy life with me…I don’t know, not that I don’t love my friends, I do. I just wish someone would understand me, and my joys. But, now I’m rambling. By now, if you’ve made it this far, you’re probably think I’m a complete lunatic. lol I’m not (though you’re welcome to think I am, if it suits you.) Before I bring this to a close, I would like to leave you with an almost accurate quote that I heard yesterday. I think it’s pretty fitting, actually.

_____________________________________________________________

That's all for now, I'm sure I'll post more later. Let me know what you think! Oh, and not all of my writing is that bad, I'm going to post some stories soon too.

-Trill

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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 7:55 pm 
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Wow! That's a lot of writing! I found it interesting! Thanks for sharing some of your real thoughts with us! \:D/ You have an interesting prespective, because you're right that most of us don't think of rain or powdered sugar from donuts with the joy that you seem to derive from it - that's wonderful! It really is. An appreciation for the "little things" in life is great!

I like your writing, and the stream of consciousness thing is fun to write, isn't it? :D I'm not very good at constructive criticism for stuff like this, but I did like what I read! If you post more, I'll read it! :D

One question: At the very end, a quotation is referred to, but I don't see one. Did I miss it or misinterpret something, or did it get left out somehow? :-k

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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 8:45 pm 
Catspaw knows all
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I left it out, sorry, here it is.

“My father once told me: Son, there are two things in life that it’s important to be. Smart, and Pleasurable. Now, I was smart for a long time, but…I recommend pleasurable.” - Elwood P. Dowd (Played by Jimmy Stewart in “Harvey”)

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