The not-so-original fairy-tail
Narrator: We all know fairies have tails. But why they insisted on naming these touching stories after fairy butts I will never know. But anyway.
Once on top of a time that was a little while ago, but not TOO long ago, some time when your great-grandparents weren’t alive, and about the time that some people in a galaxy far, far away were shooting each other, there was a green valley over looking a dark mountain.
In a ground outside of the hole, there lived a creature of dubious ancestry.
Creature of dubious ancestry: Ah, what a lovely rain cloud out today.
Upon seeing someone approach.
CofDA: A visitor coming down the road. What an unpleasant surprise!
Gandalf: Good-morning.
CofDA: That’s my line.
Gandalf: Sorry
CofDA: Good-morning. Come to tea on Wednesday.
Gandalf: Ok. I’m just going to put this mark on your door. Bye!
CofDA: bye! Oh, BTW, who are you?
Gandalf: Can’t imagine how it would matter. Good-morning!
Narrator: Wednesday came like it always does, just after Friday. And there came a knocking on the door.
CofDA: (opening the door) Oh, hullo.
Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy: Hullo, is this the Wardrobe?
CofDA: Sorry, wrong number.
Edmund: Do you know where I can find a witch?
The others: Shut up.
CofDA: I heard she lived in a hobbit hole, but don’t take my word for it.
Gandalf showing up suddenly: We’re all going to find the Holy Grail. I thought you were supposed to be dwarves, but no matter, I guess you’ll have to do.
They all walk off down the road singing the theme from the Wizard of Oz.
Gandalf: He wasn’t a real wizard you know. Nothing but a rank imposter.
White Rabbit dashes by them: Oh, I’ll be late. Look at the time. I shall be late!
Edmund: Who’s that creep?
Gandalf: I believe he’s the white rabbit. From the other side of the wardrobe, err, looking glass.
Susan: Where are we going, anyway?
Gandalf: We’re going to save the Ring. It’s hanging over a volcano on a horsehair. The thread could snap and all could be lost at any moment.
Susan: I thought we were going to find the Holy Grail.
Gandalf: Don’t be silly. The Holy Grail has already been found. By the archbishop of Castra Pavalorum. Haven’t you ever read Charles Williams?
Peter: Can we stop at the Stone Table on the way?
Gandalf: I don’t think so Peter. But you can ask Captain Maugrin of the secret police the way to the table. He is directing traffic right over there.
Peter: Excuse me, can you tell us the way to the stone table?
Maugrim: Certainly, just follow the beaver footprints.
Peter: Thank you very much, Officer.
Maugrim: Shhhh, it’s supposed to be a secret!
Edmund: Where’s my Turkish delight?
Lucy: It’s with the ring
Edmund: Hey, then let’s get a move on!
They made their way through bogs and fearsome fire swamps and fields of blue flowers.
Gandalf: Uh, I happen to know by my art that there’s a balrog coming. Anyone ever heard of a balrog? Me neither. Let me get out my Webster’s dictionary. Mmmm, Balrog: an ancient demon of the underworld. Oh. Isn’t that lovely. Anyone want to help me out with it?
Crickets chirping
Gandalf: Thanks a lot guys.
Ominous music building. Everyone holds his or her breath.
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
Bullfrog: rrribbbittt.
Everyone looks at Gandalf. He blushes in embarrassment.
Gandalf: Ooops, that’s what you get for working with this Modern Art stuff. Sorry guys. On we go!
Lucy: Lets play hide and seek.
Aragorn: I can appear at will if I choose, but to be visible entirely, that is a rare gift.
Gandalf: Oh, look, here’s the entrance to the volcano and Saruman guarding it. How ya doin’, haven’t seen you since I broke your staff. Did that repair man get it fixed up for you?
Saruman: Oh, yeah, it’s fine now. But you cannot enter unless someone dedicates his life to washing the stone table in my house. Any takers?
Aslan: I will take it. Though, I do not know the way.
Saruman: Don’t worry; I have a map right here.
Everyone: Bye Aslan!
Peter: The stone table’s in your house? I didn’t see any beaver footprints!
Saruman: I got it at a garage sale from a witch’s house. First rate bargain too. That was when I was just starting in my career as a white wizard gone bad.
Edmund: Was there any Turkish delight in that sale?
Saruman: Whole rooms full but it wasn’t for sale. I have some dry rye bread though. Right this way please.
Narrator: Saruman led them through the volcano till they came to the ring hanging on horsehair.
Gollum: Give it to us precious!
Saruman: Where did you come from?
Gollum: We’ve been looking for it, precious! And we’ve found it!
Saruman: Would you like to try our new volcano cliff jump?
Gollum: Waaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Susan: Someone grab the ring already. These coats are getting hot.
Gandalf: Some chap named Frodo was supposed to be here, but I guess the CofDA will do.
CofDA: Got it. Ok, lets go.
Saruman: Bye! Come again any short time!
Saruman: Hey, Aslan, you’re supposed to be washing tables.
Aslan: If you bothered to look at the deep magic you would find that when someone who has committed no treachery dedicated his life to washing stone tables, dirtiness itself would start working backwards and the table would be clean!
Saruman: Oh, mice.
Aslan: Precisely. They’re in there right now scrubbing away.
Saruman: Oh, go away!
Everyone: Ok, bye!
And so the ring was saved, and everyone, though eternally bound by a very long thread, was separated. And so ends the not-so-original fairy-tail, where we shamelessly stole all the ideas from real authors and called them our own. So, sue us.
Like it?
Lucy
Very cool! I loved the way that you combined several different things, like CoN and LOTR etc.
