SCENE ONE. The to-be-expected, cheery, upbeat theme music plays.
FAMILIAR VOICE: Hi, this is --
AND THEN . . .
Suddenly, everything comes to an abrupt stop. The music, CHRIS, everything. And then,
SECOND, LESS FAMILIAR OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS BUT STILL RECOGNIZABLE VOICE: Blackgaard -- Dr. Regis Blackgaard. (low) Welcome, to Adventures in Soap Operas. (famous, evil laugh)
The laugh plays as BIG, DRAMATIC MUSIC swells over it and carries us to . . .
SCENE TWO. A DRUM-ROLL opens up a scene at Whit's End. WHIT is at the computer of the IMAGINATION STATION, writing a PROGRAM.
WHIT: Okay, how can I talk to myself for the next sixteen seconds or so -- which is all the time I need to wrap this up -- before something big happens? Well, uh -- (clears throat) -- ahem. That should just about do it. Yes-sir-ee, it looks like it should be up and running. Now, LET'S SEE IF THIS THING WORKS!
*wink, wink*
WHIT is about to PRESS the BUTTON when --
CONNIE: Whit! Phone call!
WHIT: (grumpy, irritable) Oh, Connie! Perfect timing for Emma Douglass to make her yearly appearance. Well, I'll only be ten seconds, and in the meantime, don't let any of the kids touch the Imagination Station. Understand?
CONNIE: Sure, Whit.
WHIT leaves and walks over to the phone, where he bumps into
NICK MULLIGAN: Hey, Whit!
WHIT: "Mr. Whittaker" on the job, Nick. I can't talk right now; I need to take a phone call.
NICK: Whoa, man, like, what's the deal? You're acting all rude. Like, radical!
WHIT: Dated phrase. Get with the times, you -- (stops, sighs) I'm sorry, Nick. It's just -- you remember that virus I had around the 1999 season?
NICK: The one that made you throw kids out and yell? Yeah, I remember.
WHIT: Looks like I'm coming down with it again. Don't worry, the doc put me on some medication -- I'M SURE IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING AND WON'T AT ALL BOTHER ME FOR THE NEXT THIRTY MINUTE PERIOD.
*wink, wink*
WHIT picks up the phone.
WHIT: Oh, hello, Emma! (one second pause) Oh, you're not feeling too well because inexplainable exposure of a terrorist-developed impervious virus that causes human behavior to mutate dramatically and revert to unsavory portrayals of themselves years ago? Yes, that does sound familiar. As a matter of fact I --
The discussion TRAILS OFF as NICK traverses his way over to CONNIE.
NICK: Hey, Connie. What are you doing?
CONNIE: (writhing on the floor, sweating, grunting, in obvious physical discomfort) MUST -- NOT -- TOUCH -- STATION!
NICK: (to himself, yet clearly audible) What's going on? Everyone's acting --
CONNIE: (suddenly calm) Acting how?
NICK: Well Whit's got this virus --
CONNIE: (shocked) Gasp! A VIRUS! Wow! Zowies! Whit hasn't gotten sick since, well, I think it was around 1980 . . . never mind. But a VIRUS! It's funny that you mention that. Remember that episode where an UNEXPECTED character put a VIRUS in the IMAGINATION STATION? WOULDN'T IT BE WEIRD IF THAT HAPPENED AGAIN? IF SOMEONE PUT A VIRUS IN THE IMAGINATION STATION AGAIN?!?!.
:shock::shock::shock:*wink, wink so hard my eyebrows hurt*
CONNIE: Hey, look, emoticons!
NICK: Yeah, uh --
WHIT interrupts, returning.
WHIT: I'm back, Connie. Now, let's see if that new program works.
CONNIE: Okay, Whit.
WHIT climbs into the station and it starts up with an AWESOME, COOL, HAWKING-ME-ROYAL POWER UP SOUND EFFECT. Suddenly, WHIT BANGS on the metal door.
WHIT: Connie, turn it off!
CONNIE: What?
WHIT: I said, "Turn it off!"
CONNIE: What?
WHIT: Turn the Imagination Station OFF!
CONNIE: But it's only been a few seconds!
WHIT: I don't care!
CONNIE: What?
WHIT: I said "I don't care!" Something is horribly wrong!
CONNIE: What?
WHIT: Something is horribly wrong!
CONNIE:
Something is horribly wrong?!WHIT: Yes, it's -- hey, emoticons!
CONNIE: Do you want me to turn the station off?
WHIT: Yes, it could be dangerous if I stay in here too long!
CONNIE: What?
WHIT: I said, "It could be --" . . . never mind! Just turn it off!
CONNIE: Okay, I'm going to press the button.
There is a full fifteen second delay. The station then SLOWLY powers down and WHIT steps out.
CONNIE: Are you okay, Whit?
WHIT: Yes, yes, I think so.
CONNIE: What happened?
WHIT: Well, the program was supposed to give the user a glimpse of the contents of the average refrigerator. They would shrink to microscopic size and explore the --
CONNIE: Wait, why did you come up with that?
WHIT: Well, people are always asking me to write a program for Wooton, so -- it doesn't matter. The thing was, I wasn't a microscopic man exploring giant food -- I was the food. I was the milk, sitting in a plastic container in the back. I was the perishable generic peanut butter, offering a source of protein, and kids kept sticking their bare hands inside my jar and eating me. I was the unhealthy Cheese Doodles, loaded with fats and sugars.
(dramatic)
I became pure nourishment!
LOUD, ROCK GUITAR MUSIC blares as we transcend into
SCENE THREE. WHIT is at the computer.
WHIT: It's really too bad that this isn't an episode where the computer talks. I have to manually search for -- oh, here's the problem!
EUGENE: (over the intercom) What is it?
WHIT: It's curious, but it seems someone has added another program and rigged it to run concurrently to the food program.
EUGENE: Uh, food program, sir?
WHIT: Yes, it would shrink the -- it was for Wooton.
EUGENE: Ah.
WHIT: Anyway, I'll try isolating this unauthorized program -- oh!
EUGENE: What is it, Mr. Whittaker?
WHIT: The program is -- a person!
EUGENE: A person, Mr. Whittaker?
WHIT: Yes, and she has a personality; it's as if she's a real person and not a program.
EUGENE: She, Mr. Whittaker?
WHIT: Yes. She's about to say something!
FAMILIAR VOICE: Hi, John.
WHIT: Jenny!
Dun -- dun -- DUN!!!!!!!!!!!
I love what you've written so far, and I definitely want to read more! 
Another great section! I loved the part with the kids having all the albums!
