Amusing Quotes & Jokes

[Catspaw]

Oops, sorry, Trent. It sounded familiar, but I thought that I had heard it somewhere else before.

Help for Men

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers

The five questions are:

"What are you thinking?"
"Do you love me?"
"Do I look fat?"
"Do you think she is prettier than me?"
"What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

"What are you thinking?"

The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are, and what a
lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no
resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the
time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd
be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:

"Do you love me?"

The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel
the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong
answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

"Do I look fat?"

The correct male response to this question is to confidently and
emphatically state, "No, of course not!" and then quickly leave the
room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin, either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

"Do you think she's prettier than me?"

The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you
were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or
an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response
is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

"What would you do if I died?"

Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise,
life would cease to have meaning for me, and I would perforce hurl
myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that
came my way."

Insurance Claims

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT WRITING CAN BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING.

-Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

-The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

-I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

-I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

-A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

-The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

-I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

-In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

-I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

-I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

-I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

-As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

-To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

-My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

-An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

-I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

-I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

-The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

-I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

-The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

-I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

-The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

[Chandler]

To that clock and eraser one.


New Math

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "history of teaching math":
Teaching Math in 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math in 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math in 2005
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de producción es...........


A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

Buy your own Christmas present
A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much last Christmas. So she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.
In each card she carefully wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off.
After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks under a pile of papers on her desk!
Everyone on her gift list had received a beautiful Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside-- without the check!


Calling the shots

A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

[Catspaw]

Kids on Love

Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE:

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)

Giving

An Eye Witness Account from New York City, on a cold day in December... Hopefully, this is the kind of thing that happens frequently, everywhere... A little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe store on Broadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?" "I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boys reply. The lady took him by the hand and went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel he quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet and dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes, and tying up the remaining pairs of socks, gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, my little fellow, you feel more comfortable now?" As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question with these words... "Are you God's Wife?

[Trent DeWhite]

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

I've done that many an occasion. Typically, the cash register person either gave me a quizzical stare and hands me all this extra change . . . or the individual kindly refuses to take it.

---------

Why America has not adopted the metric system

- A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
- Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
- Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
- Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
- Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
- Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

---------

Top Ten Reasons Calculus Really is Useful

10. Your calculus professor exclaims, "You'll use this one day! I mean, look at me! I use it almost every day!" and it never seems to dawn on him that he's a calculus professor.

9. If your NFL career is cut short by injury, you can always fall back on teaching calculus.

8. It gives you an excuse to buy this really cool graphing calculator.

7. It makes all that pesky algebra seem really easy by comparison.

6. To know what the heck are all those little symbols on your calculator.

5. The time of your appearance in bankruptcy court can be calculated based on your monthly credit card bills and your plasma donation income.

4. Without calculus classes to teach, what else can a mathematician do?

3. When robbers hold a gun to your head and demand cash, sometimes they'll also be happy with an explanation of partial derivatives.

2. You can calculate how soon the beer will run out at your party if X ounces are consumed each minute and only Y kegs are delivered each minute.

1. You need an ice skating rink to impress people with your triple lutz, but you can dazzle them with triple integrals anywhere.

---------

The Student's Guide To Problem Solving

1. If at all possible, avoid reading the problem. Reading the problem only consumes time and causes confusion.

2. Extract the numbers from the problem in the order in which they appear. Be on the watch for numbers written in words.

3. If rule 2 yields three or more numbers, the best bet for getting the answer is to add them together.

4. If there are only two numbers which are approximately the same size, then subtraction should give the best results.

5. If there are only two numbers in the problem and one is much smaller than the other, then divide if it goes exactly, otherwise multiply.

6. If the problem seems like it calls for a formula, pick a formula that has enough letters to use all the numbers in the problem.

7. If the rules 1-6 don't seem to work, make one last desperate attempt. Take the set of numbers found by rule 2 and perform about 2 pages of random operations using these numbers. You should circle about five or six answers on each page just in case one of them happens to be the right answer. You might get some partial credit for trying hard.

8. Never, never spend too much time solving problems. This set of rules will get you through even the longest assignments in no more than 10 minutes with very little thinking.

[Catspaw]

I'm not a guy, but I thought that this list was funny!

100 Reasons it's great to be a guy

Let's face it... No guy take the time to read all 100 Here are my favorite 40:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
3. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
4. You can open all your own jars.
5. Old friends could care less whether you've lost or gained weight.
6. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
7. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
8. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
9. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
10. Your last name stays put.
11. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
12. The garage is all yours.
13. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
14. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
15. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
16. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
17. You don't have to shave below your neck.
18. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
19. Chocolate is just another snack.
20. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
21. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
22. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
23. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
24. You don't care if anyone notices your new haircut.
25. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "he must be mad at me."
26. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
27. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
28. Wedding dress: $2000; Tuxedo rental: $75.
29. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
30. You don't mooch off others' deserts.
31. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
32. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
33. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
34. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
35. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
36. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
37. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
38. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
39. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So.... Notice anything different?"
40. One mood, all the time!

Donation to the Needy
(a.k.a Watch what you say around children!)
The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.

As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"

"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.

"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

[Evil Chick]

I'm not a guy, but I thought that this list was funny!

100 Reasons it's great to be a guy

Let's face it... No guy take the time to read all 100 Here are my favorite 40:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
3. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
4. You can open all your own jars.
5. Old friends could care less whether you've lost or gained weight.
6. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
7. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
8. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
9. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
10. Your last name stays put.
11. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
12. The garage is all yours.
13. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
14. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
15. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
16. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
17. You don't have to shave below your neck.
18. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
19. Chocolate is just another snack.
20. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
21. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
22. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
23. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
24. You don't care if anyone notices your new haircut.
25. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "he must be mad at me."
26. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
27. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
28. Wedding dress: $2000; Tuxedo rental: $75.
29. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
30. You don't mooch off others' deserts.
31. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
32. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
33. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
34. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
35. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
36. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
37. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
38. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
39. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So.... Notice anything different?"
40. One mood, all the time!

That was pretty funny, but it makes it sound like being a girl is awful! (Which it's not.)

[Catspaw]

It does make being a girl sound rather hazardous, doesn't it? Well, a misguided male probably wrote it, so don't worry about it!

How Deep is that Thing?

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Wow. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's
GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped
into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Brilliant Deduction

Dear Sirs,I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her. I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and his friends have raging hormones. This is a house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatable, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers])

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising mt taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English.Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free. If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,"Bob"

Note: The taxpayer in question was allowed the deductions.

[Chandler]

I like those calculus ones Trent!


This one below is always popular when we tell it to people.

Leopard, Monkey, and Dog
A wealthy man decides to take a hunting safari in Africa, and takes his faithful dog with him, so he doesn't feel so lonely out in the middle of the bush. The first day out on the expedition, the dog starts chasing butterflies absentmindedly, and before long discovers that he has become separated from the safari group. He starts wandering around in the wilderness, lost, when he suddenly notices a leopard a little way off, heading rapidly in his direction, with the obvious intention of making a meal out of him. "Now I'm in deep trouble!" thinks the dog, and starts wracking his brains to figure a way out of his dire situation. He notices some bones nearby, and an idea hits him. He settles down comfortably to chew on the bones, with his back to the leopard. Just as the leopard is about to pounce, the dog exclaims loudly: "Man, that was one delicious leopard I just ate! I wonder if there's any more around here? Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, a look of terror on his face, and quietly slinks off into the bush again, thinking: "Whew! That was close! That demon dog almost got me!" Meanwhile, a monkey that had been watching the whole scene from the top of a nearby tree, figures he can put his information to good use, and trade it with the leopard for protection. So off he scuttles, but the dog sees him heading after the leopard at great speed, and figures something is going on. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, cuts a deal, and tells him the whole story. The leopard, furious at being fooled so easily, exclaims: "That dog! I'm gonna get him for that! So the stupid dog thinks he can make a fool of me, lord of the wilderness, does he? We'll show him who eats who around here! Come on, monkey: jump on my back, and we'll go get him!" The monkey jumps on, and the two of them head off in search of the dog. The dog sees the leopard coming from a long way off, this time with the monkey on his back. "What a sneaky little monkey!", thinks the dog to himself. "Now what am I going to do?" But instead of running, the dog sits down on the ground, his back to the attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits for them to get close enough to hear him. "Where's that rascal monkey!" exclaims the dog, loudly, "Never can trust him! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"


A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."


A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows an stands in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."


It was Judi's first plane trip. Boarding the aircraft she settled into a window seat in the non-smoking section. A man came over and politely said, "Ma'am, you're in my seat." "Go away and find another seat!" Judi replied. He said, "Okay, fine, you fly the plane."


Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."


At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

[Catspaw]

Dear God...

ACTUAL 'DEAR GOD' LETTERS (Letters to God from children)

Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now? Jane

Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil

Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise

Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth

Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. Elliott

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.

Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. Mickey

Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles

Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

Bad Boys

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

[Shad Lexer]

Catspaw, I just read the last page....You made my day!

[Catspaw]

I'm glad to hear that, Screech!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

Better To Be Safe Than. .. Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of.. Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Cant Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust... Me!

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There is... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh & The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry & You Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.

Top Excuses if Found Asleep at Your Desk

Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

"Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

"Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

"I was working smarter-not harder."

"Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"I'm in the management training program."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"It's okay... I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
"...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"

*starts wishing that she had a desk so she could use some of the excuses*

[Trent DeWhite]

From the latest Veggie Tales movie, "Due and the Great Pie War."

NOVAK / NEZZER

To see who is the smartest, theAbbot of Costello will ask a riddle. The first to solve it, sends his opponent into a bucket of slime!

ABBOT / SCALLION 1

There are three members of theroyal family with strange names; Sir Who, Prince What, and Lady I Don't Know. They want to board a ferry to cross a treacherous river. Taking into account their rank, what would be the reverse order in whichthey should board the ferry?

DUKE / LARRY

[confused] Wait. You want to know who's on first?

ABBOT / SCALLION 1

Correct. Next?

DUKE / LARRY

What?

ABBOT / SCALLION 1

Absolutely, correct. And third?

DUKE / LARRY

I don't know.

ABBOT / SCALLION 1

Correct.

OTIS / LUNT

Wait. Who went third?

ABBOT / SCALLION 1

Wrong.

[JesusFreak777]

Oh My goodness. I LOVE Abbot and Costello. I just listened to the Who's on First routine last night. I have it on tape. If you've never heard it you are missing out. LOL

[Catspaw]

Things to say to telemarketers

The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number...

Bedtime

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Education

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature."

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a gigantic pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know ... math always was a little hard to swallow."

I can totally relate to this because I hate math - it's really tough for me to swallow!

Pondering

A little boy was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, mommy, why doesn't daddy have very many hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a diplomatic explanation for her husband's baldness.

Or she was until her son thought for a second and asked, "So, why do you have so much hair?"

Helpful Doctor

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."

[Evil Chick]

Lol, Catspaw! You have great things!

[Chandler]

Answering Machine Messages
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a girl, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.


A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"


Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.
When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.
Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.
"No!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"


Chandelier
A new young minister got his first charge - a tiny church way out on the prairies. He traveled from the big city early to familiarize himself with the parish, and visited the church on Wednesday. It was dark and dreary inside, and remembering the suggestion that he find a cause to get the congregation working together, he got the bright idea that hey should raise funds to buy a chandelier to hang in the middle of the sanctuary, and spent the next three days preparing his sermon.
On Sunday morning he spent twenty minutes telling the congregation how great it would be to have a chandelier, He chandeliered this - and he chandeliered that, and finished his sermon with a big pitch for funds with which to buy a glorious chandelier that would mean so much to the people of this parish. He felt after all the handshakes, and seeing the families off that he had made a successful presentation.
After three weeks, having heard no feedback he stopped one of the elders on the way out and asked him the direct question. What are you going to do about the chandelier? Oh, we talked about that and decided against it - you see nobody around here knows how to spell that word - so even if we got one of them things - there's not a soul within a hundred miles who knows how to play one - and furthermore, what this church really needs is more lights.


Top Ten Uses for Fruit Cake
10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.


The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

[Catspaw]

Thanks, Evil Chick!

Payment in Full

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Great Quotes

Q: If you could live forever, would you and why?

A: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
– Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
– David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
– Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward

Getting to Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the gates, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world.

"We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I hit a rock and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?", her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

[Chandler]

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Psychologist: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Constable: To get a better view.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
George W. Bush: Because that's what the Iraqi people wanted.
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DEAD DEAD!
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
John Kerry: I actually voted for the chicken to cross before I voted against it crossing.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Othello: Jealousy.
Plato: For the greater good.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
In reality: To get to the other side

[Trent DeWhite]

Academic Phrases

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

--------

Gadzillion Things To Think About-Batteries

1. Can you tell when a battery is dead by its weight?
2. How much energy does it take to power the low battery sign on your calculator?
3. If you buy a battery recharger that runs on batteries, and they run out, how do you recharge them?
4. If you kicked the Energizer Bunny would you be charged with assaulting the battery?
5. What do batteries run on?
6. Who invented the solar-powered flashlight? And why?
7. Why are there no "B" batteries?
8. Why do you start pressing the buttons harder on the TV remote once you know the batteries are low?
9. Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries?
10. Why don't batteries come in packs of one?
11. Why is it called a flashlight if the light it emits is steady?
12. Why is it that everytime you go to use a flashlight the batteries are dead?

[Catspaw]

I aodred the chicken list, Chandler! I had seen a few of those before, but all of those are great!

Oops!

After her son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.

A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard and called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

A Little Too Personal

Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

Parental Definitions Of Common Terms

DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF:
A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING:
When the baby's face turns red and she/he begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL:
Able to whine in words

WHODUNIT:
None of the kids that live in your house

Good News

A six year old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."