Amusing Quotes & Jokes

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Postby J-man » Thu Apr 14, 2005 11:37 am

Bumper sticker: So many prarie dogs, so few recipes ( really saw this one!)
I like Cookies
I like Cookies
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Postby Alleycat » Thu Apr 14, 2005 11:46 am

What is Wrong with These Headlines?

Safety Experts say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Killer Sentanced to Die For Second Time in Ten Years

Deer Kill 17,000

Red Tape Holds up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

_______________________________

An English Professor wrote the words: 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard. and directed his students to punctuate it corectly.

The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'

The women wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'

______________________________

Inventions that didn't work:

A book on How To Read

An inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

The cordless extension cord

Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses

Waterproof teabags

_________________________

ORDER IN THE COURT!

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked by attorneys during trials and in certain cases the responses given by the insightful witnesses. The last one is the best.

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?"

"You were there untill you left, isn't that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q "Doctor, before you started the autopsy did you check for a pulse?"

A. "No."

Q. "Blood pressure?"

A. "No."

Q. "Breathing?"

A. "No."

Q. " So then it is possible the paitient could still be alive?"

A. "No."

Q. "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

A. "Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk."

Q. "But it is possible he could be alive nevertheless?"

A, "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

_____________________________

Things That Irritate A Sane Person:

The lift stops at every level and no-one gets on.

The tiny red string on the biscuit wrapper never works for you.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

You slice your tounge licking an envelope.

The station comes in brilliantly when you are standing near the radio, but drifts, buzzes and spits when you move away.

There are always one or two icecubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and the entire wash comes out covered in lint.

The car behind you punishes its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

Your glasses slide off your nose when you perspire.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it!!!!

__________________________________

Deep Thoughts!

Last week I went to a furniture shop to look for a de-caffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

When I was a child we had a quicksand box in the back yard. I was an only child - eventually.

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add.

My neighbour has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you have seen some of it.

_________________________________________

Confusing Thoughts!

Isn't unnerving that doctors do what they called practice?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal biscuits?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmet?

_________________________________________

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who was known as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table he noticed the plates were the dirtiest he had seen in his life!

"Were these plates ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so despite the dirty plates. When dinner was over the hostess took the plates outside, whistled, then yelled:

"Here Soap, here Water!"

________________________________________

There was a little a boy called Michael who used to hang out around the local shops. The owner of the newsagent didn't know what Michael's problem was, but the big boys were constantly teasing him.

They would always make rude comments about how stupid he was.To prove it, sometimes they would offer Michael his choice between a 10p and a 20p. He would always grab the 10p, they said because it was bigger.

One day after Michael took the 10p, the newsagent owner took him aside and said;

"Michael, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know that the 20p is worth more than the 10p. Are you taking the 10p because it's bigger or what?"

Slowly Michael turned towards the newsagent owner and grinned.

He said, "Well, if I took the 20p they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved £10!"

______________________________________

Medical Dictionary:

Benign.................................................What you be after eight.

Artery......................................................The study of paintings.

Barium................................What doctors do when patients die.

Catscan................................................. Searching for the pussy.

Cauterise .......................................................Made eye contact.

Coma.......................................................... A punctuation mark.

Labour Pain.............................................. Getting hurt at work.

Medical staff.................................................... A doctor's cane.

Out patient........................................ A person who has fainted.

Fibula .........................................................................A small lie.

Fester ............................................Quicker than someone else.

Tumour ...............................................................More than one.

Vien ...........................................................................Conceited.

Terminal illness ..............................Getting sick at the airport.

Seisure............................................................Roman emperor.

Recovery room ...................................Place to do upholstery.

______________________________

Anagrams

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost In 'em

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I'm A Dot In Place

Eleven Plus Two = Twelve Plus One

_____________________________

Some Crazy Quotes :)

-Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
-Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
-Room service? Send up a larger room.
-These are my principles, if you don't like them I have others.
-A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
-I must say I find television very educational. The minute someone turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
-I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
-Either he's he's dead or my watch has stopped.
-Whatever it is I'm against it.

________________________________

Real Advertisements??

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again!

Our experienced Mum will care for your child. Fenced yard, meal and smacks included.

Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in Dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save! Limit: one.

3 year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

Dinner special: Beef £1:35, Chicken £1:25, Children £2.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home!

Get rid of aunts! Zap does the job in 24 hours.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery . We do it carefully by hand.

Toaster! A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast!

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used cars. Why go anywhere else to be cheated? Come here first.

WANTED! Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now the Supershop -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine, and adjust tension in your home for £5:00.

_______________

Need recusitating yet?
And each light that we've extinguished has brought darkness to our Land...
Upon our Nation have mercy Lord!
I'm finally not a No0b
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Postby Trent DeWhite » Thu Apr 14, 2005 2:43 pm

Woah, Sputnik. :shock:

Monday wrote:A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin
of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

That one's awesome. \:D/

Classified Ads

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

:lol: :lol:
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Postby Me » Thu Apr 14, 2005 7:47 pm

A few more lightbulb jokes:

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just define darkness as the new standard.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
The piano player can do that with his left hand.

How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to hold the bulb, and six to drink until the room spins.
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Postby Catspaw » Thu Apr 14, 2005 9:10 pm

While we're on the topic..

I'm not homeschooled, but I recently did a presentation on the Homeschool Movement, and bumped into lots of jokes during my research. Please note that these are not meant to be offensive - I just think that they're funny!

How does a homeschooler change a lightbulb?

First, mom checks three books on electricity out of the library, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life.

Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles.

Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five dollar bill.

On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five dollar bill.

Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed.

And there is light.

Another version...

No less than 5.

1 person to contact HSDLA to see if there is a legal loop hole to change a lightbulb without first asking the local department of education.

1 person to contact the co-op to see if there is enough interest to have a field day to watch the changing of the lightbulb.

1 person to form a committee to determine whether this is a homeschooling or unschooling type activity.

2 people to actually go out to the store and purchase the lightbulb (this should ideally be a 2nd grader and their parent so that the parent can explain about the price per unit item as well as point out the differences in wattage).

Top 20 Advantages to Homeschooling:

20. Your kids never tell you that you're a lot dumber than their teacher.

19. If you can't find matching socks for your child first thing in the morning, who cares?

18. Cleaning out the refrigerator can double as chemistry lab.

17. Your kids have good reason to think they might get spanked in school, but no reason to think they'll get beat up by a gang.

16. If the principal gives the teacher a bad evaluation, she can stick her icy feet against his legs at night.

15. You can post the Ten Commandments on your school room wall and won't get sued.

14. You never have to drive your child's forgotten lunch to school.

13.Your child will never go to their 20th high school reunion, meet an old flame, and recklessly abandon their marriage.

12. You get to change more than diapers, you get to change their minds.

11. If you get caught talking to yourself, you can claim you're having a PTA meeting.

10. It's better to be slightly concerned about socialization than very concerned about socialism.

9. Your child will never suffer the embarrassment of group showers after PE.

8. The only debate about the school lunch program is whose turn it is to cook.

7. You never have to face the dilemma of whether to take your child's side or the teacher's side in a dispute at school.

6. If your child gets drugs at school, it's probably Tylenol.

5. The teacher gets to kiss the principal in the faculty lounge and no one gossips.

4. Your kids recognize that this list is numerically in reverse order.

3. Your honor student can actually read the bumper sticker that you have on your car.

2. If your child claims that the dog ate his homework, you can ask the dog.

1. Some day your children will consider you to be a miracle working expert and will turn to you for advice.

What About Socialization?
by Pam Hartley

10. We're training him to like isolation so that he can be an astronaut.

9. Socialization? We're Republicans!

8. Don't worry. We get together with other kids twice a week so he can learn how to spit on them and treat them disrespectfully.

7. We do Unit Studies on Socialization, and also Hair Washing, Clothes Folding, and other completely redundant subjects.

6. I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was mentally planning her week of Girl Scouts, 4-H, dance class, karate, and soccer. What were you saying about socialization?

5. If I could get him to stop planning so many group camping trips and book fairs, I'd be able to convince him to socialize!

4. Huh?

3. Please, just for a change, ask me about college, okay?

2. Squeak, dive under the nearest object, peek out, and mutter "who are you and what do you want?"

1. Oh, I know what you mean! That's why we're homeschooling, for the socialization!"
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Postby Jonathan » Fri Apr 15, 2005 12:49 am

Trent DeWhite wrote:Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.


And another one:

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They like to be left in the dark.

-Jonathan
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Postby Trent DeWhite » Fri Apr 15, 2005 2:19 pm

A pastor fell on hard times and was forced to sell his beloved horse. He explained to the new owner, "This horse is very different. Instead of 'Giddap' or 'Woah', this horse will only start and stop, respectively, when you say, 'Praise the Lord' and 'Amen.'

"Okay, I've got it!" the new owner said. After mounting the horse, the new owner shouted, "Giddap!" To no avail. "Oh yeah, praise the Lord!" he said, and the horse started off. As he was riding along, the man noticed cliff looming up ahead. In panic, he yelled "Whoa!" but the horse did not stop.

Seeing know other choice, the man said a quick prayer to God. "Dear Lord, please stop this horse! Amen." Amazingly, the horse stopped an inch from the edge of the cliff.

The greatly relieved man, realizing how close he had come to falling over the edge of the drop, looked up at the sky and exclaimed, "Praise the Lord!"

:badgrin:
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Postby JesusFreak777 » Fri Apr 15, 2005 2:48 pm

lol thats terrible. :rofl:
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Postby Chandler » Fri Apr 15, 2005 5:34 pm

Haha! I love so many of the jokes you've posted here! :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

The truth behind car names
AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW - Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express

FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD - First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Found On Russian Dump

GM - General Maintenance
Great Mistake

GMC - Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA - Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere,
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO - Put in new transmission often

PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks it's a Cadillac

SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

VW - Virtually Worthless
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Postby Trent DeWhite » Fri Apr 15, 2005 6:12 pm

Haha Chandler. :lol: I guess I won't be purchasing any of those brands anytime soon. :D

-----

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me." - Revelation 3:20

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:

"I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself." - Genesis 3:10

-----

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good. "Well," he thought for a moment and said, "maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view."

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

Hm, you didn't get one either . . . huh?

-----

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

-----
Haha, AMEN! :lol:
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Postby Jonathan » Fri Apr 15, 2005 11:38 pm

Chandler wrote:CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology


You just described my car to a T.

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Postby Trent DeWhite » Mon Apr 18, 2005 4:25 am

Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room. The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."

The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just hate working. I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors."

The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can't wait to get out of this room!"

:lol:
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Postby Chandler » Mon Apr 18, 2005 1:02 pm

Haha! :lol:

*Government Pipe Specifications*
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site.
N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft. (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
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Postby Trent DeWhite » Mon Apr 18, 2005 6:13 pm

Ha. :D

-----

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.

"How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

-----

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

:lol:
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Postby Catspaw » Mon Apr 18, 2005 7:49 pm

Those are so funny! I should memorize a few and claim that I've learned a new language!

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There are lots more like this one at http://www.reverendfun.com!
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Postby Trent DeWhite » Tue Apr 19, 2005 9:19 am

Good one, Catspaw. :lol:

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According to OxymoronList.com, these were the most popular self-contradicting phrases in May 2002:

20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head Butt
8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

:lol:
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Postby gimp80995 » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:37 pm

THE GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah, the Prophet, and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built The altar, put wood on it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it on the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels with water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I
know," she said, "to make the gravy!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My mommy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SUNDAY SCHOOL

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in SundaySchool. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcement bombers to blow up the bridge, and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was very nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"






Hope you enjoyed those.

Peace Out

-Gimp
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Postby Trent DeWhite » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:44 pm

:lol: Those were awesome, Gimp.

-----

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...HONEST AND NO KIDDING

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. However, when using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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Postby gimp80995 » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:48 pm

Those were good, Trent.........a few of them that we found out in my house growing up :D






There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========
Somebody said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. He put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========
A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!. B-I-B-L-E"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty...the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
==========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other friends.


Peace Out

-Gimp
God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God, Grant us the peace that comes from honest dealings so that no fear of discovery will haunt our sleep May we inflict no pain, bring no shame, and seek no profit by another's loss.
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Postby Chandler » Tue Apr 19, 2005 8:05 pm

That's quite the lesson in Chinese! :lol:

Shaved by Grace
After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day.

He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.

The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. "Not bad," he thought, "At least I don't need to get a shave every day."

The next morning the man's face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment.

She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
Chandler

 

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